Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Old Houses

Many of our friends have moved, are moving, or want to move into an Old House. They're mostly part of the trendy, gentrification movement where they renovate beautiful old homes full of Character and Squeaky Floorboards. Nu and I have never understood this trend. All we want is a big refrigerator and a place for our enormous TV. Also, we like having a nice yard for the kids.

And even though I'm generally against "nature" I do like having some mature trees on our lot that shade us from the sun and give us some privacy. So I'm not dying to move into a brand-new house. I just like a house that's "a little" old.

Why am I against Old Houses? Here's a list that will certainly convince you of my viewpoint.

1. Old Houses smell funny.
2. Old Houses rarely have a garage. And if they do, the garage is inexplicably detached from the house.
3. Old Houses are far away from where we live. It's getting increasingly inconvenient to visit everyone and I really think our friends should think more about our location when they house-hunt. Gas isn't cheap, you know.
4. Old Houses have bizarre layouts. Finding the bathroom is a challenge and when you do, the facilities are oddly arranged. Why should bathtubs have feet? Do you really need two spigots in one sink (one for hot, one for cold)?

This is the clincher:

5. OLD HOUSES ARE HAUNTED!!!! It's just plain statistics. If your house dates back to 1910, enough people have lived there to have had some fatality or unfortunate calamity. Watch the movie, The Others, and you'll be begging to live in a 1970's split-level. If you haven't found the ghosts yet, I challenge you to spend the night alone in the creepy cellar/basement that certainly came with your Historic Purchase.

So . . . See you at the next HOA meeting?


mulechicken said...

Right on. Just watched the Orphanage, confirmation (again) that old houses are haunted. Old, abandoned, orphanages are just worse and are not a suggestible place to raise a family.

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