The Gospel of Juice

The kids love church. They talk about it during the week. They clap and squeal when we drive near it. They have to be coaxed back to the car when it's all over. Why do they love it so? Is it the spiritual nourishment they receive? The fellowship with other spiritually-minded toddlers? No. It is the juice and snacks. When we ask them about what they did at church, they immediately reply, "I ate cwackers. I drank JUICE!!!!"

In the 70's, I can only imagine that the American Academy of Pediatrics was sponsored by Welch's. I drank Juice all day, every day, including at every church event. The only snack invented during that era was Apple Juice and Graham Crackers. At Sunday School, at VBS, at Junior Church (lame Sunday School during the summer), they would break out the Apple Juice right after the felt-board lesson where Caucasian Disciples taught us why it was wrong to bear false witness. Did anyone else ever notice that the Old Testament prophets were the same as the New Testament disciples, but with different colored tunics?

Flash forward to 2008 and you will find that pediatricians have fallen out of love with Juice. During the Q & A checklist at the beginning of regular appointments, they ask "Do they drink any juice?". This question comes right before, "Do they play with knives?" and right after "Do you beat them with sticks?" It seems clear that the only right answer is "Hell No! What kind of degenerate parent would let their kids drink Juice! Crazy talk!" I actually feel pressured to lie about the kids' juice consumption even though they only drink it at church. That's messed up.

I don't mind that they drink juice at church, but it's interesting how that tradition has held fast through the ages. Like the Laura Ashley dresses, Juice remains a constant in the lives of young worshipers. I think its part of brilliant marketing synergy between the Children's Ministry and the Juice Industrial Complex. Children equate salvation with juice. No juice. No heaven.